2009 Adam Lambert's AI 8 Performances

...we're more likely to see ''Kennedy Center Honors...Bikini Girl'' in our lifetime than to witness most of tonight's featured Golden Tickets recipients coming anywhere close to the season 8 finals.

The sole exception to that rule could be 26-year-old Adam Lambert, whose clear and pleasing take on ''Bohemian Rhapsody'' drew one of Simon's oldest and most dreaded critiques — ''theatrical.'' Which raises some questions: Aren't most Queen songs theatrical? Isn't Bohemian Rhapsody the band's most theatrical song of all? And maybe, just maybe, could theatrical serve as code for ''copped to seeing a Paula Abdul concert at age 10'' or ''openly admired Kara DioGuardi's accessories''? Which might be construed as ''not quite manly enough to activate music-downloading impulses of tween girl armies''? I don't know: Maybe I'm reading too much into it all, but I think there was a clear and righteous subtext in Kara's frustration with Simon during the deliberations over Adam's fate. The dude out-sang, out-emoted, and out-charmed at least 75 percent of the Idol hopefuls we've seen this season; he should've been sent to the next round with the speed and enthusiasm of Paula getting distracted by a shiny object.

I mean, really, compare Adam's potential to that Tatiana Del Toro (aka ''Prom Girl''), who got sent through by the judges for the simple reason that she was all too willing to embrace the role of ''ball of yarn'' in their enthusiastic game of ''mean kitties.'' Oh, imagine the fun they'll have batting her around during Hollywood Week!
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How hard did you laugh when Paula called Adam ''the best we've seen in any city,'' after he revealed he'd attended one of her concerts?
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Get out your freshly sharpened No. 2s; it's time for the American Idol: Hollywood Week Quiz!

Question 5: Do you think it's mere coincidence that the producers always seem to pair audio of Ryan saying words like ''triumphant'' and ''brilliant'' and ''best'' with video of particular contestants (i.e. Lil Rounds and Adam Lambert)? (A) Heck no! There's no such thing as coincidence on Idol! (B) Of course it's coincidence — and quit implying the producers have an agenda!
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...let's do a quick rundown (in 11 words or less) of the 10 most memorable singers who scored at least a little bit of airtime tonight and advanced to the final 75. And to make it more fun, I'm gonna list 'em in order of preference.

Jesse Langseth: Newcomer's ''Some Kind of Wonderful'' smoked all the guys' versions.

Jasmine Murray: Commercial as they come; initials could stand for 'Just Money.'

Matt Breitzke: Welder turned up heat on vocals. And (whoa!) seems nice.

Danny Gokey: Super talented, but awareness of camera can work a nerve.

Adam Lambert: What's with judges' love of shrill oversinging?

Alex Wagner-Trugman: Best eyebrows of the season!

''Roughneck'' Jeremy Michael Sarver: Don't clap hands while holding mic. Round one to Welder.

Kris Allen: Vocals aiight. Where'd you get green argyle sweater?

Matt Giraud: Obama, please suggest bill outlawing aggressive vibrato!

India Morrison: Nothing wrong with rapping, but this is a singing competish, no?

Nathaniel Marshall: Fosse will haunt your dreams for those jank moves!

What did you think of tonight's show? Was the singing content-to-ridiculous backstory ratio working your nerves? Did you notice Ryan said there were 107 contestants tonight, while at the end of Tuesday's show, he said 104? And how funny was the reddening of Paula's peepers after Ryan Pinkston accused her of having ''evil in her eyes''?
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...think about the bloodbath that's coming Wednesday night. Even after you weed out the obvious train wrecks/insomnia curers from last night's telecast — Dude With Headband, Lady Hot Legs, Vibrato Boy, Perspiring Welder, Shaggy Hair, and Girl Who Went First — that leaves six performers who made at least some kind of compelling case for why they deserve another chance to take the Idol stage this season. And of that sextet — Allison Iraheta, Mishavonna Henson, Megan Joy Corkrey, Jesse Langseth, Adam Lambert, and Kris Allen — half will face the Idol guillotine in less than 24 hours.

As any Idol addict will tell you, though, it doesn't hurt to have heavy backing from the show's judges and producers — which has to come as great news to Adam and be about as welcome as a two-by-four to the gut for Kris. As far as I'm concerned, however, Kris ought to win the guaranteed ''male contestant seat'' over Adam, even if his ''Man in the Mirror'' didn't display the note-for-note technical perfection of Adam's ''(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction.''

Sure, Kara was right that Kris struggled with the beginning of his Michael Jackson cover — particularly the lower notes in the opening lines of the verse — and I also observed he had a tendency to hold the mic too close to his mouth. But Paula and Simon were also correct that Kris nailed the number by delivering what could've been a trite ''message song'' with real emotion and proving to have enough grit in his voice to overcome an absolutely monstrous karaoke arrangement from the increasingly bizarre Idol house band. (Dear backup singers: Either try to stay on pitch, or just don't sing at all.) And while some folks might assign bonus points for the fact that Kris danced (yay!), or wore a black jacket from the nonexistent ''David Archuleta collection,'' or that he looks a lot like Ugly Betty's Val Emmich (as Simon noted, ''chicks are gonna love you''), the bottom line is that he's interested in telling a story with his music, not merely engaging in a 90-second fit of aggressive vocal acrobatics. And that ought to count for something, no?
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Adam, on the other hand, has me worried he's going to spend the next 12 weeks trying to summon a pack of rabid wolves to the Kodak Theater with his relentless (albeit pitch-perfect) howling. Which is not to say that the guy doesn't have a ton of natural ability, but to use a food metaphor (my favorite kind!): Dude needs to stop trying to shove an entire birthday cake into my face — candles and all! — when a single slice would be far more appetizing.

Of course, I should've immediately braced myself when Adam's pre-performance package started with him talking about how he was going to try to scale back his performance, to not aim for the rafters as if he were in the chorus of a traveling Broadway show. Because on Idol, contestants tend to do the exact opposite of what their interviews would have you believe: ''I sing just like Whitney'' usually means ''My voice is about as soothing as getting your pinky caught in a car door.'' And indeed, there was Adam stalking the stage with over-accentuated snarling, tongue-flashing, side-eye-giving, teeth-gritting affectations, not just aiming those massive glory notes for the rafters, but trying to use 'em to bore holes in the roof. (It was almost as if Adam was auditioning for a stage show called I'm a Rock Star, Dammit!, rather than being an actual rock star.) I don't know why Randy thinks Adam is one of the season's most ''current'' contenders when I haven't heard that kind of hair-metal vocalizing since Kip Winger was on the charts, but then again, the Dawg also compared Adam to Robert Pattinson (in a shameless attempt to activate the Twilight masses). I think in this instance, it's better to side with Simon, who noted that parts of Adam's performance were brilliant, and parts were excruciating. Anyone else think he might actually benefit from a week in Wild Card limbo?

Yeah, I know, it's not gonna go down like that. Even if Idol voters were inclined to reward nuance and restraint over vein-busting holleration, Adam holds such a massive lead over Kris in head-to-head screen-time, nothing short of an Exorcist-esque head spin/profanity spew/vomit spray (or a stellar vocal by Matt Giraud) could've stopped his march to the finals.
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Are you as excited about Adam Lambert as Paula and Kara, or is this another case of too much hype before the goods are delivered? Were there any performances tonight that shocked you? Which three contestants do you think will advance Wednesday night? And which three should?
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