4.13.13 It has begun!! Miami Pride heats up. More news!
Apr 13, 2013 22:26:56 GMT -5
Post by lynne on Apr 13, 2013 22:26:56 GMT -5
Reflections for the worriers (scroll if this term does not apply to you)
I wrote this a while back, but decided not to post it anywhere because so many said it better, but reading through some of the posts today, I thought of these self reflections and thought I'd share them. So here goes:
Some author recently included in her bio that she was in a fake relationship with Adam Lambert. That made me smile. But recently, I have realized I am in a real relationship with Adam Lambert. And yes. It's complicated.
Let me explain it this way. My older sister, who is a therapist and a wise woman extraordinaire, once told me that if I wanted to understand the feelings behind my dreams, I should imagine that I was every character in the dream and see how that resonated with my emotions. Try it sometime if you haven't already. It's illuminating.
What was also illuminating was my emotional reaction to the news of Adam Lambert's split with former boyfriend Sauli Koskinen. Now, I am a huge Adam Lambert fan, but I like to imagine myself sane and rational. However, the night after the news broke, I found myself agitated and anxious and completely out of sorts.
It didn't help that I discovered the news the same day I learned, in a different state, after a lovely morphine filled stay in the hospital, of eight kidney stones too large to want to part ways with me. I would need to have those things blasted apart before they could pass, but first, I needed to get home to my own state.
Of course, this personal news came right in the middle of the busiest time in my life, the two weeks when I am in charge of a huge Renaissance Festival at my school, a Shakespeare play that happens that day, food for 700 people, games and booths, and basically hosting and organizing the entire event. Added to that, all the evaluations of the teachers in my department were due, and, oh yeah, my husband had just left for South Africa for three months.
I spent the evening home from the hospital, new temporary stint/ shunt? in place, packing my bags for the morning flight home in a dither. I DM'ed a few compassionate friends on twitter, lol, and went on, what for me, was a bit of a rant. Would Adam be okay? How would this affect his career? Would he be able to swim and not sink? These questions circled through my head for too much of the night like the grooves of a record looping their way through my stomach and my heart. I knew it was ridiculous, so I tried to ignore my cray and go to sleep and snap out of it.
The next morning, free from residual drugs, I woke and saw it all in its all too obvious clarity. Adam Lambert, was, of course, me. I really was worried about my own "okay-ness," my own career, my own (temporary) split with my husband, and my own worries about my own ability to swim.
I took the opportunity to voice my real worries about my actual self to the usual listeners I am blessed to have in my life, and felt those worries slide (about half-way) away as they usually do when they are directly and honestly addressed.
I set Adam free to become the fun, entertaining pleasure that he is in my life, and set about the art of enjoying him actively again, because doing THAT helps me fill myself up to deal with the real life worries that are exclusively mine to handle. Because, hey, I really enjoy Adam Lambert. I value our relationship.
And it is very real to me. That is, he really inspires me in so many ways to stretch more, to seek more, to believe I can be and have more.
And yes, sometimes to understand and figure out my own feelings more, because any excessive worries I have about Adam I really know are worries that live in my own real life, not his. I don't know his life, after all, but I am trying to know and understand my own.
So, you see, it's complicated. #realness
Oh yeah, and I also really enjoy these new pictures from Miami. 
