Stalking For Dummies: A Guide For Fans6/12/11 by NoAngelAdam has been keeping a low profile lately as he diligently works on his next album, and sightings in the wild have been rare. We’ve learned that he can literally turn up anywhere in the world at any time. Thus, it is important for fans to be on the lookout and prepared for an encounter at any moment. A little homework can save you and other fans much angst and heartache, so I’ve prepared a little guide for all of us.
Plan ahead: First, never leave the house without looking fabulous, and always carry a well-charged smartphone with camera function, equipped with a Twitter app.
What to look for: Remember, when he is roaming free amongst humans, Adam is often in clever disguise. You may think it would be easy to spot a 6’1” guy with freckles, nail polish, and a shock of black hair. It’s not. When seeking Adam, look for the ugliest headgear in the area—something of the baseball cap or knit beanie persuasion. See a guy wearing glasses with lenses as large as dinner plates? Could be Adam. If all else fails, check the footwear. Sneakers or oxfords? Keep looking. Boots that cost more than your mortgage payment? You’ve found your man. Another tip: in any given crowd, Adam will be the man wearing the most clothing. In winter time look for a leather jacket over a suit jacket over a drapey sweater. In summer time look for a leather jacket over a suit jacket over a drapey sweater.
What to say: You want to impress Adam with your sanity and #realness, so find a way to convey your fanhood without tipping over into BSC territory.
Wrong: Oh hey, dude, I loved your version of Heartless on American Idol. Whatcha been doing since winning?
Wrong: OMG jmdxoiaoixejskfal!!!!!!!!!!! I’ve been dying to ask—when you did your show in Peoria, I noticed on the vids that you brushed something off your left knee at the1:47 point during Aftermath. What was it?????
Correct: Introduce yourself politely (keep your name written on your hand at all times because you’ll forget it in his presence) and praise his necklace. Hopefully he’s wearing one that day or you’ll sound a bit silly. Don’t bother asking for specifics about the album, since he’s
selfishly holding out on us not telling, but feel free to ask if he’s working at the moment. Be sure to thank him for being awesome and tell him how fun it is being his fan. Ask for a pic. It’s proper form to pretend you want yourself in the pic
with him.
What to do afterwards: Faint.
Once recovered, promptly find a nice quiet place with internet access. Be proactive and crop yourself out of the pic, thus saving fans the time they’d have to spend doing it themselves. Leave in plenty of background, though, for identification purposes. Write a nice narrative, á la the fan from London, with plenty of detail and an appropriate amount of flailing. Focus on the particulars that fans want to know: hair color and style; facial hair or lack thereof; outfit/jewelry; companions if any; his mood and exact emotional state; vocal tone and pitch; all words spoken and implied. Tweet out the story and the pic.
Good job! Congratulate yourself on a successful Adam encounter and know that you have contributed to the happiness of thousands of fans around the globe. (Now immediately delete your Twitter account and start over fresh with a completely different identity for your own safety.)
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