8.23.11 Adam News & Info

"A tear shouldn’t fall without a camera to catch it."

When I was growing up, people mourned over lost loved ones at home, with family and dear friends. Even as a child, I remember feeling quite frustrated that my family was crying in private while I was sitting around not getting richer. And that’s when I decided that grieving should become a public — nay, an internationally televised — affair. Nothing rivets an audience so much as personal tragedy, the more tragic the better. Ill wife? Good. Dead wife? Better. Wife who will die during the finale? Awesome!

"Can you tell us exactly how your opposite sex husband died?" you might ask. "Were all the body parts able to be recovered or was the axe murder so horrific that your husband’s head is still missing?"

It is also important to understand how tragedy shapes talent. "What does it mean to you, performance-wise, that you will be dead from cancer in a matter of months?" Or, perhaps, "Do you feel like your dead daughter can hear you singing to her up there in heaven?"

Remember: Everything is your business. Everything. Every single thing in a person’s private life is your — and the audience's — business. Except for "gayness," which we don’t talk about out loud, ever.

"Eww, your man parts almost touched each other!"

There is one exception to the "gay" rule: It’s perfectly acceptable to show "gays" on TV if you’re playing it for a laugh. Because how funny is it when two men or two women dance together? It’s hysterical! The first thing you do is let the "gays" know how hilarious you think they are. Guffaw a little bit. Slap your knee with your hand. Have the editors play "It's Raining Men" when you first show the gay people in question.