The Moon Garden Lounge

:wub: Alison :wub: thank you so much. I've wondered about the woman behind the solitary daschund many times. And yes.

A few people have mentioned the negotiations around their husbands, or other loved ones. My dh (that's the first time I've expressed it that way and it feels really nice) died quite early on in our marriage. I never married again, although about eight years later, I came close, but decided against it.

My basic nature is restless and independent, and either way you flip the coin, there is a price. I think too, that the things that I mostly wanted to explore in life at that time needed solitude, and I just didn't want to have to answer to anyone for those types of choices or my time, which is part of the deal in a lifetime commitment to someone.

I also knew, early in my twenties, that even if I had everything that is meant to satisfy in life, that it still would not be enough. It's a frightening place to be, and that quality has bewildered so many people that I've known. And yet, it is what has pushed me continuously forward and down so many paths that I could never have anticipated. Including the Adam Lambert rabbit hole.

Adam packs a real punch as an inspirational trigger because he is such a rare example of someone with so many of humanities best qualities in such a dazzling form. I think we're always looking to complete ourselves, to solve what is missing or broken, enhance what is already wonderful and make it more beautiful still. There are cycles; sometimes it's active, sometimes not, sometimes it hits us over the head when we seemingly don't want it, or think we didn't need it.

The beauty and mystery of life. And sharing something intensifies it. Even so, it took me quite a while to join an Adam community, surprise, surprise. I feel closer to a few people here than, say, most of the individuals I work with on a daily basis, simply because the connection is Adam. And I really like the idea, if not the reality sometimes, of friendships with people from all over the world. It makes it feel a warmer place to be in.

alison, I finally had time to read your post and it was amazing.

You did such a great job of articulating some of the things that I feel as well. I think one of the reasons that I too (along with kay) feel weird about some of the cray fan stuff is that it seems to diminish something that is beautiful and meaningful. It's like we don't know how to do beautiful and meaningful in our society. We know crass commercialism and someone like Adam can only compete in that space.

I don't have a good ear for pitch and tone and things like that. I love the way Adam sings but my favorite singers besides Adam include people like Bruce Springsteen and Willie Nelson, hardly noted for their great vocals. You mentioned the usual reasons: the voice, the fierce, the pretty, the fun. I first saw Adam on the AMAs and felt so intrigued by him and all the fallout, and then really fell in love and started searching out videos after Gridlock. So I guess for me it was the fierce.

I saw this poem the other day from Gwendolyn Brooks that perfectly encapsulated my feelings, I think:

I've stayed in the front yard all my life.
I want a peek at the back
Where it's rough and untended and hungry weed grows.
A girl gets sick of a rose.

It was interesting that your husband picked up that your fandom was really more than just fandom, that you were looking for a life changing catalyst. I hope you don't mind if I say that your story reminded me so much of Kathy Bates' journey in the movie Fried Green Tomatoes, which is one of my favorite movies.

"In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit. "

I love this quote. I came to Adam with a dead inner fire also, because of the long dreadful illness and death of my mom and some of what surrounded that (my parents were ripped off and exploited by a trusted caregiver). Adam came along about three months after we finally got my dad settled again, and the world changed from black and white to color.

I loved what you wrote about your journey. Thanks for sharing. :Clap:

***

nikki and lynne, thanks also for sharing. I agree that I feel closer and more able to be open with a few of you than with my RL friends. It's a phenomenon I could never have expected.

seoulmate, you are one of those people -- thank you for what you posted and for being YOU.

lynne, I feel the same way about you.



That is exactly it. In Alison's words, "It IS that deep." Like throwing mud on a Rothko.

And Junie, it happens even to the fierce:

I had a vision that the colours had bled away
And I had nothing to follow
Was in a prison and my life was stuck on replay
And all my wishes were hollow
You were a beam of light
Lit up my broken sky ....

It's interesting too, that we talk in terms of RL, as opposed to what happens here (is it shadow life??) and yet the impacts on our lives are very real. Maybe it's the modern version of having pen-pals, which I loved. Perhaps, because so much of communication is non-verbal and we don't get a chance to see and interact directly with people here, we still mistrust what is happening on some level. It is easy for people to misrepresent themselves and play games and we don't have everything in our usual armoury to guage things. Perhaps none of the above :D

seoulmate, I love all your little offerings

All of old.
Nothing else ever.
Ever tried.
Ever failed.
No matter.
Try again.
Fail again.
Fail better.

-- Samuel Beckett, Worstward Ho

Had to watch the show from last night. So proud except literally just sat here a LAUGHED at my own lame ass on Ray Of Light. -- Adam Lambert



:wub: