The Moon Garden Lounge

Nikki, here goes--in response to Kay's post ages ago about level of fan investment and what it really means. Are we crazy or inspired? Does investment in Adam and this community enhance our lives or interfere with our lives. I have pondered these questions for so long now and the conclusion, for me, is yes to both. These last few years have been a reawakening for me, only in part because of the Adam/Adamtopia phenomenon. The change resulted from the internal friction created from trying to process these questions--what is this thing I'm doing and why am I doing it? 

I have tried the argument that it is all about the voice, the fierce, the pretty, the fun...but that's really not true.  If that were the case I would not gravitate to the moon garden (the one thread that I am unable and unwilling to give up). It really IS that deep for me, so I have always been skeptical of others when they say it's only fun and games. I have even felt ridiculed in the past by comments to lighten up on  the main thread. 

It started with the voice. I am a singer, took lessons for 10 years but did not pursue singing except for my own pleasure. I instantly knew he was a trained voice and he would make his season of Idol great. I immediately looked up youtubes and found CTF and the Art for Life performance of Crazy. I was hooked (vocally I prefer Come To Me Bend To Me to really show off his classical training, but was floored by his fearless performance style in these vids) --I really did ask myself out loud --"who is this guy and who does he think he is? can someone really be that fabulous?" I then became obsessed--searching, downloading, telling anyone who would listen that they needed to watch out for this guy on Idol. 

It all seemed innocent and I guess it was, that is, until it wasn't. It did cause a significant conflict at home. There was real jealousy over what I kept telling myself was not real. It was just a fun tv show, it's just a singer, I'm a music person (he knows that), he's overreacting, he know's I'm an all or nothing person and I move from one passion/obsession to the next. Those things were true, but he was right too. He sensed that this was different from the beginning, and damn, he was right. 

I didn't start interacting in the online fan community until right before the transition from MJ's to Planet Fierce. This added a whole other element to what had  only previously been a raised eyebrow or a nasty comment. I tend to be a private person, pubic online sharing was not for me. But  I was fascinated, spending far too much time online.  I found my people--music geeks, word geeks, philosophers, mystics, free sprits...I joined in the conversation. I called myself "underadamspell" -- my first online persona--how clever I was--I put a lot of thought into that name--that became clear to my husband as well.  It felt innocent, just words and ideas with funny smart people. He wasn't buying what I was selling. Shit just got real. I even tried reading him one of Halfie's essays (some of you will remember Halfie had the same questions for himself). I thought he might understand--it's just nerdy fun. He was the popular outgoing one and I was the bookish quiet one with the quirky sense of humor--he know's that, right? 

He saw what I didn't. I was searching for something that was missing. He thought it was interpersonal in nature and he couldn't have been more wrong (I really do have the best guy). I was searching for a missing part of myself. I had lost myself in my quiet little suburban life. I used to be that girl with big ideas, convictions...I never used to fit in, but I knew who I was. I had become part of a wonderful community, had a beautiful family. Why was it not enough? Because I was denying myself, afraid to be different, to be heard. 

These last few years have been a journey of self discovery. Nothing has changed (same wonderful things--husband, kids, family, friends, community) but everything has changed. It is a good thing. 

Hoopla once quoted Albert Schweitzer as an explanation for the intense Adam fan experience and it really made sense to me. 

"In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit. "

So, I suppose it could have been another person or another time (and if I am lucky, it will be again and again) but I will forever be grateful to Adam and this community for prompting this examination of my life. I needed some friction, I was comfortably numb, happy but not real, blessed but not fulfilled. Adam did not change my life, but he was a spark.

Thank you Mika. Please know that you and your beautiful words are integral to my journey.

Lynne, you are a such lovely person. I couldn't agree more with your post.

Just for fun, this is in honor of Adam's robe from last night. I am one who went from jumping out the window last night to laughing and dancing today. :4OMG: